This is a picture of my mum and her dog in Shetland and one of her with her grandfather when she was little. I can’t find any other photos of her on my phone which I find odd then I count back the years and realise she has been dead for nearly a decade. 

I think about her a lot as I raise my own children. There’s loads I can’t ask her and I feel sad that she is missing out on her grandchildren. But I also think about how she did things and how I’m doing it (and what she would think). She had a successful career at the Financial Times and we were mainly looked after by nannies. She didn’t get in til 8:30pm most nights and although we loved our nanny, when I am giving Louis a bath, I often think about how I can’t remember mum giving us a bath. I don’t have any memories of her picking us up from school or any week night dinners with her. She was very loving and we did not go without but I feel now that she can’t have known us like I know my children, we just didn’t have that time together. Later on she said she felt she was doing a bad job at both work and motherhood but that she had to work and anyway, we turned out alright in the end.

I don’t think we felt short changed at the time but I do recall being envious when I went home with friends and their mum picked us up and asked about our day in the car. My mum had grown up in a one horse town with a housewife mother and she couldn’t wait to get out. She loved her job and we grew up watching her make her own money in a career she was passionate about - a good example to two girls.

When I was pregnant I thought Louis would be in nursery at 6 months and I’d be in a good full time job. Instead he started at 18 months and I only applied for badly paid part time admin jobs so I could WFH and be around - no doubt a reaction to my latch key childhood but I have surprised myself at how all in I went on motherhood.

It’s by far the best thing I’ve ever done and I haven’t spent a night or a full day away from Louis since he was born but I still question myself constantly.

I love being with them but I do find it boring, playing with tractors, pretending to eat pretend things cooked in pretend ovens. The worst thing about motherhood for me is the never ending cooking and wiping food off the floor. I didn’t see that coming for some reason! The domestic drudge that makes me feel like a servant and makes me boil with rage that it seems to be mostly my job. I don’t really understand phonics and I wonder if it’s enough that I am just always around, creating a routine. There to do the nursery pick up and drop off, to ask about their day. I also wonder, a lot, if I have destroyed my chances of having a successful career in the future by having children and re-entering the workforce at a lower level than I was at before. I tell myself that I can ramp things up when they are bigger, it will be fine.

I started my jumper hustle to bring in more income. It is ‘work’ that I can do when they are asleep and I love doing it. So although it’s a cliche - women has kids and starts a children’s clothing brand - it’s a cliche for a reason. People like me want to work around their children and are often also doing it to supplement a low wage.

So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for ordering my jumpers. Every order makes me feel like a successful working mother and makes all the wiping food off the floor totally worth it! Happy Mother’s Day to all you Mums!

I hope someone made you a hot coffee and you got to drink it in PEACE! X